How to Improve Sex Life

Maybe it's work, school, or kids that dominates your time, but whatever your distraction is, sex is often the thing that gets kicked to the curb in your relationship. You don't have to let life get in the way of having the sex that you want to have, though. Keeping your sex life fresh and exciting is easy if you communicate with your partner, and make an effort as partners to spice things up and have fun with each other in the bedroom (and elsewhere). Start with Step One for more details.....


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Part 1 of 3: Spicing it Up

  1. Be more spontaneous. One of the most common ways a sex life can hit the doldrums is that it becomes part of a routine. Maybe you only ever have sex in the mornings, or on particular days when you get a break from work, school, or kids. Spice things up by having sex at unexpected times, in unexpected ways, or in unexpected places.
    • Text your partner and tell them to come over urgently. Don't tell them why, but be in bed when they come over.
    • Make it urgent. Hop in the shower, or sneak a quickie in between classes.
    • Some couples in long term relationships like to reintroduce themselves to the early stages of their dating, when they couldn't get enough of one another. Plan to meet separately at a bar you used to frequent and pretend like you don't know each other. Go through all the motions of the first blind date, and pretend you don't know anything about the other's sexual likes. Go from there.
  2. Tease your partner. Send dirty texts throughout your partner's workday, describing in detail what you'd like to do later, or whisper little things into your partner's ear while you're in public. Ramping up the sexual tension will be a great way to ensure that later, when you get the chance, you'll both be excited and enthusiastic for sex.
    • It takes some time for some people to get in the mood. Don't just assume your partner will be because you are. You've got to work for it and learn what your partner likes and push those buttons to get them in the mood.
  3. Concentrate more on foreplay. Sometimes sex can start to feel scripted, like you're moving quickly from A to B to C like it was predetermined. Slow down. If part B usually takes a couple of minutes, spend 20 on that particular step, or start at C and move to A. Flip the script. Instead of rushing through things, take your time and enjoy the journey.
    • Trade massages before you have sex, and set a timer for a particular length of time to spend exploring each other's bodies before you're allowed to move on. Make the touching part of sex as long and luxurious as possible. Put on soft music and make an evening of it, being vocal and slow. Take your time.
  4. Explore your kinky side. Don't do anything you don't want to do, but if introducing toys, handcuffs, and costumes into the bedroom seems exciting and fun for both of you, go for it. Be as kinky as you want to be. As long as your relationship puts honesty and communication first, there's no wrong way to have sex.
    • Add to the fantasy with role-playing. You both could dress up in costumes and call each other by different names. As long as you're both cool with the idea, it can be a fun and sexy fantasy for both of you to be someone else for a while.
    • Blindfolds are easy ways to make sex suddenly touch-focused and different. If you're into it, go the sensory-deprivation route.
    • There are loads of magazines, videos, and sex-centric books at your local library loaded with new techniques, positions, and ideas for spicing up your sex life. Get your Kama Sutra on and learn new things.

Part 2 of 3: Talking to Your Partner

  1. Tell your partner what you like. The safest, smartest, and quickest way to improve your sex life is to communicate openly with your partner. Tell your partner what turns you on and what turns you off. Discuss your limitations and your ambitions for your sex life. Tell your partner anything they need to know to make your sex life as pleasurable and functional as possible.
    • If you find it difficult or embarrassing to talk about sex with your partner, do simultaneous free-writes and share your writing with each other, or by turning off the lights and talking in the dark.
    • Talking builds trust and intimacy. While it may seem hotter to cut to the chase and start doin' it, talking in the early stages of your relationship will help you avoid awkwardnesses and build the trust necessary to facilitate a healthy sex life. Don't do anything you're not ready for. Talk about it first.
  2. Be specific. When talking about sex, we often get sheepish and fall somewhat short of talking as specifically as would be helpful. Try and be as specific as possible so your partner doesn't have to work to decode your messages.
    • Instead of saying, "I wish we'd have more sex" or "I wish we'd have different sex," tell your partner how much you love being with them and how you want to work on building your intimacy with each other. Then discuss specific things you'd like to do together, or specific things you'd like to change.
  3. Talk during sex. Often, it's difficult to know if what you're doing is "working" for your partner, and it becomes frustrating when your partner doesn't talk. Be directive and show your partner the kind of touches and the kind of techniques that make you feel good, and ask them to do the same. Ask questions and provide answers.
    • Think of talking less as correcting your partner and more as encouraging them when they hit the hot spots. It doesn't have to be complicated. Try asking, "Does that feel good?" or "Do you like that?" If you don't like something, show your partner where or how it would feel better. If you'd like a different pace, tell your partner to slow down a little and be more gentle.
    • Demonstrate the way you'd like your partner to treat your sensitive parts by performing the same action on their hand or fingers. Say, "I like it like this." This can be a helpful visual aid for them, and can also be a hot method of foreplay. Encourage them to do the same.
  4. Share fantasies. Talk about the things you fantasize about, the things that turn you on. Write them down if you feel sheepish and then discuss them with your partner. If something comes up in conversation, like when your'e watching television or reading a magazine, ask "What do you think of that?" Be honest and be open with your partner.
    • The brain is your most sensitive sexual organ. Discussing fantasies doesn't necessarily mean you're going to act them out in real life, but in a trusting and open relationship, discussing fantasies of all sorts can be an open door to explore your sexual side and keep your sex life fresh, spontaneous, and fun.
    • While they can be terrible sources of information, magazines like Cosmo or Maxim can be helpful conversation starters with your partner and can lead to interesting and healthy discussions of your own. Flip through them at the store, check out the questionnaires and the quizzes and discuss the topics with your partner to get a real perspective. Ask, "Is that true for you?" or "Do guys really like that?"

Part 3 of 3: Making Time for Intimacy

  1. Take a vacation together. Even a short weekend away can alleviate the burden of daily life. Sometimes, work, school, or kids present too many distractions that interfere with your sex drive.
    • Your budget won't allow for travel? Take a vacation at home by shutting off the computer and cell phones, turning off the TV, and making a point of doin' it.
  2. Initiate sex with your partner. If you've been passive leading up to your intimate sessions, take the lead for a change. If you feel like your'e always the one to initiate sex, talk to your partner about it and tell them that you don't want to feel like the sex hound in the relationship. Make sure everything is out on the table and that you're both satisfied with the way things progress.
Put sex on the calendar. If you find that you are not devoting time to this important aspect of your relationship, set up a schedule, if necessary. You may think that this is going too far, but if you are always "too busy", this is one way to nail down your priorities.
  1. Practice emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy. Your sex life is about more than what happens between the sheets. If you're not close emotionally, if you're not spending time together and understanding each other, the sex will suffer and so will your relationship. You have to talk and you have to spend time with each other.
    • Make time for romance. Bring her flowers, or make a special date with your guy to do something he wants to do. Showing that you understand and think about your partner is a great way to show them that you care, and to turn them on.


  • Get a good night sleep. Fatigue is a major cause for losing one's sexual libido.
  • Don't let the myths about other people's sex lives get in the way of what's happening in yours.
  • Always love your partner.
  • Know that sex is not just about orgasms.


  • Pornography is not a good guide to what women want when having sex. Make sure that you ask your partner what she does/doesn't like.

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